Teach Your Young Child to Regulate and Understand Emotions
- Toni Ratzburg
- Feb 23, 2023
- 6 min read
Updated: May 4
Toni Ratzburg, LMFT #52576
February 23, 2023
One of the most important jobs as a parent is to teach our children about emotions and to empower them to cope with their experiences. The great news is that doing so through modeling and play can, in fact, be a fun bonding experience for you and your baby.
Modeling & Building Emotional Awareness
Modeling your own emotions will allow your baby to observe and learn from you. Learning allows your child to build self-confidence and begin to develop social skills. When you express emotions, your baby will notice and learn from them. Your expressions may even trigger an emotional experience for your baby, for example, a smile from you can elicit a huge smile from your newborn. Since your child will experience a range of emotions, it is important that you model all of them. In addition, you can take specific actions to help them build an emotional vocabulary and understanding of their own experience. To do this, try to look for opportunities to share what may be happening for you and your child by:
Accepting feelings
All feelings are important to represent for your baby, so try to avoid labeling feelings as “good” or “bad.” Feelings themselves are not wrong, it is what we do with our feelings (our actions) that can be healthy or unhealthy.
Try not to ignore feelings that make you feel uncomfortable. Instead lean into their experience. For example, sometimes our urge is to ignore anger, but imagine what that would feel like to you if your partner or friend turned away from you and told you to come back when you’re calm. Instead, share what you observe and validate your child’s feelings, such as “I notice you’re using a very loud voice. You’re feeling angry that I took the toy away and that makes sense. I am here to help.”
Labeling emotions
Use simple words to describe emotions that you or your baby are feeling. For example, when your baby is happy, say “You look so happy!” When you are sad, say “Mommy feels sad right now.” In this way you are narrating the experience instead of judging, shaming, or encouraging the feeling; this is a powerful way for a child to feel validated and when someone feels validated and understood, it increases feelings of safety.
Using facial expressions and body language
When you express emotions, your baby will notice and learn from them. Your expressions may even trigger an emotional experience for your baby, for example, a smile from you can elicit a huge smile from your newborn. You can also narrate your feelings and expressions to help them learn, such as “It makes me feel so happy to see you, I am smiling.”
Modeling coping strategies
Sharing can also help your child learn coping strategies, such as saying “I am feeling really frustrated right now, I'm going to take a few deep breaths.” You can also encourage your child to use strategies, such as “you look mad, would you like a hug or some time to yourself?”
Modeling how to respond to emotions
Modeling is an incredibly powerful tool when teaching your young child to regulate and understand emotions. When your baby expresses emotion, respond to it. If they are crying, comfort them. If they are happy, share in their joy. This will help your baby learn that their emotions are important, that they can communicate them, and that they can get their needs met.
When my daughter was one, we went to a check-up doctor's appointment. When it came time to lay flat on the exam table and have the doctor look at her body, she became both tense and wiggly at the same time. She looked at me and I softly smiled saying, “The doctor is checking your body. She is a safe person.” The pediatrician didn’t miss a beat and eloquently suggested, “I can understand this feels scary; how about you hold mom’s hand?” My daughter took my hand, relaxed, and completed the appointment. The pediatrician asked, “Did you notice how she felt scared and looked to you? That is very healthy; she was looking to you to help her through an uncomfortable experience. She’s learning that you will be there to help keep her safe and that she can handle hard things.”
Play as a Tool to Teach your young child to regulate and understand emotions
It is often said that play is the language of children because it allows them to feel a variety of feelings and helps them express themselves without words. Play teaches problem solving, self-regulation, and empathy. It can also help build a safe attachment between your baby and yourself. Here are a few playful tips to help your baby learn more about their emotions:
Read books about emotions
It is never too early to start to share books with your child. Many children’s books teach about emotions so reading them with your baby is a helpful tool to teach about feelings and how to express them. While reading, you can make it playful by pointing out faces, eyes, and body language in the pictures. You may want to use a dramatic tone of voice to demonstrate the feeling behind the words and, as your child grows, you can ask them questions about what they think a character feels and why.
When my son was young, we read the book I Love You Because You’re You by Liza Baker nearly everyday. It is a book that tells the story of how a mom loves her child no matter how they feel or what they do. It describes all feelings from happiness to anger and silliness to fear. While reading, I would use my voice and facial expressions to add playfulness to the story. Sometimes we would read the book from cover to cover and other times we would pause and I would point out elements of the pictures. He was soon pointing out things he noticed. When he was around one year old, I collected photos of him that showed his own experience of emotions and created a photobook related to the text of the book. Even today, at 10 years old he loves to read this album and talk about his feelings in the photos, such as “Hey, Mom, I think in this photo I wasn’t sad. I was mad- look at how my eyes look!” or “I still make that face when I am happy.” At the time I could not have predicted the years of benefit and connection that this book would bring us.
Play games
There are many games you can play with your baby to help them learn about feelings. Once you start to play with your child, you may also find that they change or build upon what you are doing with them and make the game their own.
Make Faces
Make a different facial expression and sounds to show emotions, such as surprise, sadness, or joy. If they don’t naturally copy your expression, encourage them to do so by saying “can you make a happy face too?” Even if they don’t do it at that moment, you’re building towards it.
Peek-A-Boo
The classic, “peek-a-boo” game is fantastic to teach surprise and joy. You can alter the game to show other feelings too, such as covering your face then, uncovering it and saying “Peek-a-boo, boo hoo, I feel sad” with your lower lip out or “Peek-a-boo, I feel angry” with your brow furrowed and mouth frowning. Using humor in these ways can help your baby learn the body language of feelings.
Singing
Use movement and singing that include emotions, for example sing “If you’re happy and you know it” and make different facial expressions or body movements to match each emotion.
Make Faces in the Mirror
Mirrors are a fun way to play with your baby. Hold your child in front of a mirror and make different expressions. Encourage your child to mimic your expression or to make their own while watching their reflection.
Dance Your Feelings
As they grow, you can ask them to “dance like a happy elephant” or to “swim like a sad fish.” This fun game lets them move, learn, laugh, and think about what feelings look and feel like.
Approaching emotional and social development in these ways can set your baby up for better understanding of their own emotions and needs. Remember, teaching your child about emotions is a gradual process, so be patient and consistent. With time and practice, your baby can learn to identify and express their emotions in healthy ways.
Ready for Support?
We're here to help you and your child. At Beacon Wellness Team, we specialize in supporting gifted, highly sensitive, and neurodivergent children and their families across the Bay Area.
Schedule a free Discovery Call today to learn how we can support your and your child’s emotional well-being.
Toni Ratzburg (she/her/hers) is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in California. She specializes in working with gifted and neurodiverse children, teens, and their families with a particular focus on helping clients with anxiety and perfectionism. She is experienced in working with sensory processing disorders, asynchronous development and 2e experiences. She aims to increase healthy communication between children and their parents while helping her clients understand and appreciate their unique self. She is the founder and Clinical Director of Beacon Wellness Team, a private therapy clinic in the Bay Area.
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